Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
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Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.