There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
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This gyro tastes like lonliness
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
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the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.