I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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