About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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