Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
