His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Randomize
