TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
