i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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