I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
