alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
