A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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