I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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