Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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