my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have feelings that need drinking.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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