youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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