Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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