the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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