We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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