Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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