Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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