Will you blow on my dice?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
