so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I would ride that face into the sunset
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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