I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
