Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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