The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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