eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
