you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
