it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
