Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i love accidental penises.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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