This is not my ceiling
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
