I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My balls are so social today.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
