Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
