Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
