I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
