Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
