The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
