Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
