No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
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the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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