So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
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You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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