you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
