I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
