I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina