you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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