Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
