It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
