if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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