you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
