I wannas sexs uuuuu
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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