I can text with my tongue
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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