Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
