she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
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after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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