I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
