My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
